Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you - and
who thinks you're right for him or her! So when it happens, you're
usually so psyched that you don't even mind when your little brother
finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day
when you didn't do your reading to give you a pop quiz.
It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses
in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those
rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that
a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.
:: What make a healthy Relationship ::
Hopefully, you
and your significant other are treating each other fabulously. Not sure
if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of
being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has
these qualities:
Mutual respect
- Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer
to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone
you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are
- for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does
your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something
and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each
person values who the other is and understands - and would never
challenge - the other person's boundaries.
Trust
:- You're talking with a guy from French class, and your boyfriend
walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he
knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous
sometimes - jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when
he or she feels jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a
healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
Honesty
:- This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust
someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your
girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on
Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends?
The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble
believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support
:- It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you.
Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't
take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a
healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder
to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to
celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play. Fairness/equality -
You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take
turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out
with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's
not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are
exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair
balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a
power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the
time. Separate identities - In a healthy relationship, everyone needs
to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're
losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had
your own lives - your own families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc. -
and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to
like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out
of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep
developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving
forward.
Good communication
:- You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't
seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different
meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on
who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what
he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the
miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling
bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to
hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some
time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it,
the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.
:: What's an Unhealthy Relationship ::
A relationship
is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or
abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a
lot or abuse each other - emotionally or physically. For some people
who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem
normal or OK. It's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating
the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or
disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with
kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment. Qualities
like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy
relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to
work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a
relationship. Meanwhile, even though you may feel bad or feel for
someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself - it's
not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of
any kind.
Warning Signs
:-
Here's some scary news: In one survey, 20% of American girls reported
having been hit, slapped, or forced into sexual activity by their
partners. This stuff happens to guys, too - they are just less likely
to report it. And 40% of all teens said they know someone at school who
experienced dating violence. So if you think there's no way it could
happen to you or someone you know, think again.
:: Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend ::
Get angry when
I don't drop everything for him or her? criticize the way I look or
dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date
me? keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or
girls? want me to quit an activity, even though I love it? ever raise a
hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me? try to force me to
go further sexually than I want to? These aren't the only questions you
can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend
or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about
yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or - this is a big
one - harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast.
Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make
sure you're safe. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret
violence as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person
hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit,
shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.
:: Why are Some Relationship So Difficult ::
Ever heard
about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love
yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people
struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't
there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your
own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the
responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.
What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from
you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a
joy, it may be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for
you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy
relationship partner.
Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so
focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they
don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's
feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just
not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.
Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no
wonder - you're still growing and changing every day, and it can be
tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the
process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first,
but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway,
there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than
to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right
for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that
hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things
off before you make your move.
Relationships can be one of the best - and most challenging - parts of
your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense
feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a
relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get
close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know
plenty of people. Think about the qualities you value in a friendship
and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy
relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself -
they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already
part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the
best in both of you.
:: Five ways to Fight Depression ::
If you feel
depressed, it's best to do something about it — depression
doesn't just go away on its own. In addition to getting help from a
doctor or therapist, here are 5 things you can do to feel better.
Exercise. Take a 15- to 30-minute brisk walk every day — or
dance, jog, or bike if you prefer. People who are depressed may not
feel much like being active. But make yourself do it anyway (ask a
friend to exercise with you if you need to be motivated). Once you get
in the exercise habit, it won't take long to notice a difference in
your mood. In addition to getting aerobic exercise, some yoga poses can
help relieve feelings of depression. Try downward-facing dog or
legs-up-the-wall pose (you can find these poses on yoga websites). Two
other aspects of yoga — breathing exercises and meditation
— can also help people with depression feel better.
Nurture yourself with good nutrition. Depression can affect appetite.
One person may not feel like eating at all, but another might overeat.
If depression has affected your eating, you'll need to be extra mindful
of getting the right nourishment. Proper nutrition can influence a
person's mood and energy. So eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and
get regular meals (even if you don't feel hungry, try to eat something
light, like a piece of fruit, to keep you going).
Identify troubles, but don't dwell on them. Try to identify any
situations that have contributed to your depression. When you know
what's got you feeling blue and why, talk about it with a caring
friend. Talking is a way to release the feelings and to receive some
understanding. If there's no one to tell, pouring your heart out to a
journal works just as well. Once you air out these thoughts and
feelings, turn your attention to something positive. Take action to
solve problems. Ask for help if you need it. Feeling connected to
friends and family can help relieve depression. (It may also help them
feel there's something they can do instead of just watching you hurt.)
Express yourself. With depression, a person's creativity and sense of
fun may seem blocked. By exercising your imagination (painting,
drawing, doodling, sewing, writing, dancing, composing music, etc.) you
not only get those creative juices flowing, you also loosen up some
positive emotions. Take time to play with a friend or a pet, or do
something fun for yourself. Find something to laugh about — a
funny movie, perhaps. Laughter helps lighten your mood.
Look on the bright side. Depression affects a person's thoughts, making
everything seem dismal, negative, and hopeless. If depression has you
noticing only the negative, make an effort to notice the good things in
life. Try to notice one thing, then try to think of one more. Consider
your strengths, gifts, or blessings. Most of all, don't forget to be
patient with yourself. Depression takes time to heal.
:: Why Am I in Such A Bad Mood ::
Do you ever
find yourself getting really irritable for almost no reason? Or
suddenly feeling down without knowing why? Going from sadness to anger
to joy in a matter of minutes can make many teens feel as though
they're losing their grip. But why is the feeling of being on an
emotional roller coaster so common among teens? Dealing with constant
change and pressure is part of the answer. Maybe you're starting a new
school and not able to see old friends as much. Getting good grades or
wanting to be better in sports or other activities can be a concern for
many teens. It might feel as though there just isn't enough time to do
everything.
Being a teen means struggling with identity and self-image. Being
accepted by friends feels extremely important. Teens also may notice,
for the first time, a sense of distance from parents and family. You
may feel you want to be on your own and make your own decisions, but it
can also seem overwhelming and even a bit lonely at times. As fun and
exciting as this time is, it also can be a time of confusion and
conflict. It can take a while for teens — and their families
— to feel comfortable with the transition between childhood and
adulthood.
Another important cause for mood swings is biology. When puberty
begins, the body starts producing sex hormones. These hormones —
estrogen and progesterone in girls and testosterone in guys —
cause physical changes in the body. But in some people, they also seem
to cause emotional changes — the ups and downs that sometimes
feel out of control.
Understanding that almost everyone goes through mood swings during their teen years might make them easier to handle.
:: When it's Just more Then a Mood ::
Feeling
irritable or short-tempered can be signs of depression. So can feelings
of boredom or hopelessness. Many people think of depression as feeling
sad, but depression can also bring feelings of moodiness, impatience,
anger, or even just not caring. When depression gets in the way of
enjoying life or dealing with others, that's a sign you need to do
something about it, like talking to a counselor or therapist who can
help you deal with it. Also, if you ever feel like hurting yourself,
that's more than just a bad mood and you need to tell someone.
:: Taking Control ::
Here are some things you can do that might make those bad moods a bit easier to handle:
Recognize you're not alone. Although not every teen experiences mood
changes to the same degree, they are common. Catch your breath. Or
count to 10. Or do something that lets you settle down for a few
moments, especially if you're feeling angry or irritable. Try to look
at the situation from the point of view of a wise observer.
Talk to people you trust. Friends can help each other by realizing that
they're not alone in their feelings. Talking to parents is important,
too. Parents can share their own experiences dealing with bad moods.
Plus, they'll appreciate it if you try to explain how you feel instead
of just slamming a door. Teachers and counselors are often good
resources, and a doctor can help sort through questions about
development. Keeping feelings inside can make them seem much worse.
Exercise. Regular exercise produces more beta-endorphin, a hormone that
controls stress and improves mood. Go for a run, play some tennis, ride
your bike, or punch a punching bag. Get enough sleep. Though it can be
hard to find enough time, getting adequate rest is very important.
Being tired can lead to more sadness and irritability.
Creat. Get involved in some sort of project, like starting a journal or
diary, building something out of wood, or starting an art or music
piece. Writing can help you organize and express your thoughts and
feelings and will make things more manageable. Don't worry about
grammar, spelling, or punctuation; the important thing is just to get
your thoughts on paper. Do the same thing with paint, sculpture, music,
or other art forms. Put your feelings into your artwork.
Cry. There's nothing wrong with crying; in fact, it often makes a
person feel better. However, if you find that you are sad, irritable,
bored, or hopeless much of the time, or if you just can't seem to shake
the blues, you might be depressed and need help from a counselor or
doctor. If you're feeling stressed or angry a lot of the time, getting
help could be very useful for you. Wait. Just as you can get into a bad
mood for what seems like no reason at times, that mood can also pass.
If your negative mood sticks around too long, though — or if it's
interfering with the way you deal with friends, parents, school, or
activities — then you may want to talk to a school counselor,
parent, or therapist about what you can do to feel better.
:: Tips for Improving Your Body Image ::
Some people
think they need to change how they look or act to feel good about
themselves. But actually all you need to do is change the way you see
your body and how you think about yourself. The first thing to do is
recognize that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or
color it comes in. If you are very worried about your weight or size,
check with your doctor to verify that things are OK. But it is no one's
business but your own what your body is like — ultimately, you
have to be happy with yourself.
Next, identify which aspects of your appearance you can realistically
change and which you can’t. Everyone (even the most
perfect-seeming celeb) has things about themselves that they can't
change and need to accept — like their height, for example, or
their shoe size.
If there are things about yourself that you want to change and can
(such as how fit you are), do this by making goals for yourself. For
example, if you want to get fit, make a plan to exercise every day and
eat nutritious foods. Then keep track of your progress until you reach
your goal. Meeting a challenge you set for yourself is a great way to
boost self-esteem!
When you hear negative comments coming from within yourself, tell
yourself to stop. Try building your self-esteem by giving yourself
three compliments every day. While you're at it, every evening list
three things in your day that really gave you pleasure. It can be
anything from the way the sun felt on your face, the sound of your
favorite band, or the way someone laughed at your jokes. By focusing on
the good things you do and the positive aspects of your life, you can
change how you feel about yourself.
|
